In The Ukip Winter

 

In the Ukip winter

Every face is white,

Mothers feed their babies

Strictly out of sight;

The National Health is private,

Europe could be Mars,

Man-of-the-people leader,

Is City Boy, Farage.

 

In the Ukip winter

The BBC is axed,

Global warming hastens,

The rich pay far less tax;

Foreign aid is outlawed,

Missiles are increased,

Women do the washing,

Gays hide from the police.

 

In the Ukip winter

Bigots name the game,

Legalising handguns,

Brandishing the cane;

Prisons grow aplenty,

Welfare is a “no”,

In the Ukip winter,

Like very long ago.

UK apartheid awareness – where were you, press?

A brief and true story that illustrates racism,  the lack of awareness about apartheid and the importance of boycotting South African goods, in 197os Britain …. 

Friend shopping at fruit-stall.

Friend: Four oranges, please.  But where are they from?

Stall holder:  South Africa.

Friend: Sorry, can’t buy them.

Stall holder:  Yeah, don’t blame you.  Picked by a load of blacks.

A Fleet Street columnist speaks out … for a change.

MickyLeaks publishes new first draft by A. Columnist on the Daily Wailey.

If I had a gun, who do you think I’d shoot?  Newspaper columnists, that’s who.

You know which ones. Those greedy keyboard carnivores who exaggggggerate, provoke and offend JUST to grab ATTENTION!!!!!!

At the very least, these high and mighty, sageless, ageless, ugly, gorgeous, obese, anorexic, socialist, Tory, striver, skiver, straight, gay, trans, black, white, pervy, foul mouthed, sanctimonious hacks should all be sacked and put on community orders.

In my community, I’d order them to wash my feet and clear my drains.  What else are they good for?  They flaunt their faux extremist views, spewing out bollocks and bile, arsehole alliterations and mawky, meaningless metaphors.

They think they’re so original with their their witty, pithy, shitty putdowns.  If you ask me, their “opinions” are as UNcontrived as Russian Rioja and as profound as a pig’s puke.

Where is their humility and humanity?  On the Hitler scale of one to ten, they’re at minus 500.  And that’s being generous.

Trouble is, the more one slags ’em off, the more readers they get, which translates into more dosh for the big, boring, brass-necked bigots to blow in on booze.

Now, where’s my Uzi – and my boozey?

Note to editor: if you think this is too wishy-washy, I can always sharpen it up.

A love letter from David

My darling most of the British press,

When I set up the Leveson Inquiry I know it hurt you very deeply.  It was a resh decision, taken in the heat of the moment when I was being becked into a corner by those rotters, Ed and Nick.

But, darling, if I hedn’t gone along with them,  dreadful Auntie would heve made it look like I didn’t care about the Dowlers and all those poor, wretched people who felt hard done by.  And the fect is, darling, I do care, tremendously, about my image.

Then it all turned sour, because you hated me for betraying you and said a lot of awfully hurtful things.  But I hope now you understend my grend plen – which was from the start, to completely ignore anything old Leveson said that really mettered.

Truth is, darling,  I don’t give a hoot about regulation or any crossings of any Rubicon. I just want to make you heppy.  So please can you now stop being beastly about me and so nice about Boris?  Thet way we cen be together for many wonderful years.

Don’t let’s ask for the moon.  We heve the Sun end the Star.

From your loving

David

10 GrovellingStreet, Appeaseminster

Leveson: the press owners’ wish list

MickyLeaks has obtained an advance copy of the  Leveson Inquiry conclusions – the ones in the press owners’ dreams …..

1.  The British press, particularly the tabloids, abide by the highest ethical and cultural standards known to man since the beginning of time.

2.  Newspapers are best placed to interpret the public interest, as they have a long history of telling the public what is in its interest.

3.  Under the noble guidance of its saintly proprietors, the press must continue to regulate itself.  (Okay, there were one or two cock-ups in the past, but hey!)

4.  The new improved PCC will be even more effective than the existing one.  Isn’t that just wonderful?

5.  If any proprietor decides to opt out of the new PCC, without permission, he should be barred from the playground at lunchtime, possibly for a whole week.

6.  All heretics advocating independent press regulation are Stalinists and should attend compulsory rehabilitation at the Toby Young Academy for Churning Out More Toby Youngs.

7.  Newspapers must be allowed to carry out and publish their fearless investigations into minor celebrities without impediment.  Consequently, they should be made exempt from laws relating to libel, bribery, racism, phone hacking and all other crimes.

8.  Apologies and corrections must be rigorously applied and given due prominenence in all newspapers which are called The Guardian.

9.  In the name of freedom, it is clear that the internet must be subjected to stringent statutory regulation, draconian censorship and daily blackouts lasting all day (and night).

10. Although not in our remit, we feel obliged to point out that the BBC has recently shown itself to be a contemptible organisation of the lowest moral standing and a colossal burden on the beleaguered taxpayer.  The licence fee arrangement must end henceforth, and the corporation disseminated in parts to Messers Murdoch, Desmond, Barclay and Barclay, any Russian oligarch and the good folk who run the Daily Mail.

11. We have received several representations about the desirability of a media ownership cap. We therefore propose to award a cap, in the colour of choice,  to each newspaper owner.

12. Much has been made of the back door influence exerted over politicians by press proprietors, executives and senior staff.  We accept this is a problem in a democracy, if you happen to live in one. Yawn.

13. This will be the last chance for the press to reform itself, until the next last chance.

“I’m a Celebrity ..” contestants swap places with MPs

The news that Nadine Dorries is to appear in I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Outof Here!  has sparked off the novel initiative for past contestants and MPs to swap roles.Some of the celebrities who have already landed in Westminster will be given senior posts in the Coalition. The exciting Government front bench 2012 line-up so far includes:

Prime Minister – Timmy Mallett

Chancellor of the Exchequer – Katie Price

Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary – Tony Blackburn

Home Secretary – Colin and Justin

Secretary of State for Education – Sid Owen

Secretary of State for Defence – Freddie Starr

Secretary of State for Health – Gillian McKeith

Secretary of State for Works and Pensions – Tara Palmer Tomkinson

Meanwhile,  the top Tories trading caviar and claret for witchetty grubs and kangaroo bollocks are about to be dropped into the Australian jungle. Favourites who bookies expect to be picked for bush tucker trials are David Cameron, George Osborne, Michael Gove, Jeremy Hunt, Iain Duncan Smith, Grant Schapps and Eric Pickles.

Earlier today, Downing Street issued the following statement from David Cameron.

“We are very proud to be on this important challenge and relish the opportunity to let the public see more of us than they do already and to know why we need to cut all our public services

I am personally extremely sorry to be away from Britain at a time when my emails to Rebekah Brooks may be revealed. However, I am more than happy to leave the country in the capable hands of Nick Clegg and Timmy Mallett.”

It is understood that cabinet ministers have asked not to share a camp with Nadine Dorries. 

In order to make contestants feel more at home in the jungle, Ant and Dec will be replaced by Jeremy Paxman and David Dimbleby. You will, however, be able to watch Ant and Dec presenting Newsnight and Question Time.

Lines will soon be open for you to vote for the minister you want to stay in the jungle.

 

 

Freedom of speech or freedom to leech?

Press regulation:  proprietors and editors to fight back with new “Freedom to Leech” campaign.

(via MickyLeaks)

FREEDOM TO LEECH STATEMENT

  • Freedom to Leech is the cornerstone of democracy, our democracy.
  • The “lightest touch” statutory underpinning of leech freedom would make us considerably worse off, which would make us very angry indeed.
  • Any prime minister who dares to introduce it knows he will receive rightful punishment in our newspapers, lose his seat in parliament and be forced into the abused benefits system.
  • The cost of a curb on freedom to leech is unthinkable. It could mean, for instance, that we can no longer leech off the private misery of scumbag families and children unless it is in the public interest.
  • Public interest indeed! Why should any independent body or representatives of any elected politicians deem what is in the public interest?  For centuries we have fought to establish our God given right to tell the public what to think and what is in their interest.
  • Despite vile rumours to the contrary, it is we who are the are champions of ethics. We do not print sordid stories of sex and drugs by Z-list soap actor nobodies for the fun of it.  Partners and children have a right to learn of the errant behaviour of their loved ones on our front pages over the Frosties. We do them, and the nation, a great service and we are proud of it.
  • It goes without saying that we are best placed to judge other peoples behaviour since none of us, or our employees, has ever strayed from the straight and narrow.
  • The fact that more people buy our papers when there are more sordid stories is further proof of our high moral standing. The extra income that comes our way is also useful since we can never be rich enough. And this makes us happier and nicer, which is good news for everybody.
  • We have also shouldered the responsibility of helping the nation, by persuading politicians what to do at all times. When their interests do not coincide with our interests, we are sadly obliged to ridicule and/or annihilate them.  It is a heavy burden, but the essence of free leechdom.
  • We must fight our opponents every step of the way, notably Lord Justice Evilson, Harriet the Harridan, Nick Cleggfool and assorted anti free leech desperados. These include arsehole professors, despised intellectuals and poor, misguided liberals with their sad little Twitter campaigns.
  • Chief of the infidels is the subversive Fucked Off cabal, with its debauched “spokesperson”,  Hugh Hitler Grant.  It is now painfully clear that, ever since his putsch in Four Weddings and a Funeral, he has been worming his way into a position from where he plans to take over Britain and the rest of Europe.
  • Make no mistake. Failure to take on the enemies of free leechdom will result in either Hugh Grant or Al Qaeda running Britain by Easter.
  • Remember the words of the great Winston Churchill: “We will fight them on the leeches”.

                     Rupert Leech

                     Dacre Leech

                     Leech Brothers

                     Dirty Leech

                     Tax Haven Leech

                     and other Leeches.