In The Ukip Winter

In the Ukip winter

Every face is white,

Mothers feed their babies

Strictly out of sight;

The National Health is private,

Europe could be Mars,

Man-of-the-people leader,

Is City Boy, Farage.

 

In the Ukip winter

The BBC is axed,

Global warming hastens,

The rich pay far less tax;

Foreign aid is outlawed,

Missiles are increased,

Women do the washing,

Gays hide from the police.

 

In the Ukip winter

Bigots name the game,

Legalising handguns,

Brandishing the cane;

Prisons grow aplenty,

Welfare is a “no”,

In the Ukip winter,

Like very long ago.

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In The Ukip Winter

 

In the Ukip winter

Every face is white,

Mothers feed their babies

Strictly out of sight;

The National Health is private,

Europe could be Mars,

Man-of-the-people leader,

Is City Boy, Farage.

 

In the Ukip winter

The BBC is axed,

Global warming hastens,

The rich pay far less tax;

Foreign aid is outlawed,

Missiles are increased,

Women do the washing,

Gays hide from the police.

 

In the Ukip winter

Bigots name the game,

Legalising handguns,

Brandishing the cane;

Prisons grow aplenty,

Welfare is a “no”,

In the Ukip winter,

Like very long ago.

UK apartheid awareness – where were you, press?

A brief and true story that illustrates racism,  the lack of awareness about apartheid and the importance of boycotting South African goods, in 197os Britain …. 

Friend shopping at fruit-stall.

Friend: Four oranges, please.  But where are they from?

Stall holder:  South Africa.

Friend: Sorry, can’t buy them.

Stall holder:  Yeah, don’t blame you.  Picked by a load of blacks.

A Fleet Street columnist speaks out … for a change.

MickyLeaks publishes new first draft by A. Columnist on the Daily Wailey.

If I had a gun, who do you think I’d shoot?  Newspaper columnists, that’s who.

You know which ones. Those greedy keyboard carnivores who exaggggggerate, provoke and offend JUST to grab ATTENTION!!!!!!

At the very least, these high and mighty, sageless, ageless, ugly, gorgeous, obese, anorexic, socialist, Tory, striver, skiver, straight, gay, trans, black, white, pervy, foul mouthed, sanctimonious hacks should all be sacked and put on community orders.

In my community, I’d order them to wash my feet and clear my drains.  What else are they good for?  They flaunt their faux extremist views, spewing out bollocks and bile, arsehole alliterations and mawky, meaningless metaphors.

They think they’re so original with their their witty, pithy, shitty putdowns.  If you ask me, their “opinions” are as UNcontrived as Russian Rioja and as profound as a pig’s puke.

Where is their humility and humanity?  On the Hitler scale of one to ten, they’re at minus 500.  And that’s being generous.

Trouble is, the more one slags ’em off, the more readers they get, which translates into more dosh for the big, boring, brass-necked bigots to blow in on booze.

Now, where’s my Uzi – and my boozey?

Note to editor: if you think this is too wishy-washy, I can always sharpen it up.

A love letter from David

My darling most of the British press,

When I set up the Leveson Inquiry I know it hurt you very deeply.  It was a resh decision, taken in the heat of the moment when I was being becked into a corner by those rotters, Ed and Nick.

But, darling, if I hedn’t gone along with them,  dreadful Auntie would heve made it look like I didn’t care about the Dowlers and all those poor, wretched people who felt hard done by.  And the fect is, darling, I do care, tremendously, about my image.

Then it all turned sour, because you hated me for betraying you and said a lot of awfully hurtful things.  But I hope now you understend my grend plen – which was from the start, to completely ignore anything old Leveson said that really mettered.

Truth is, darling,  I don’t give a hoot about regulation or any crossings of any Rubicon. I just want to make you heppy.  So please can you now stop being beastly about me and so nice about Boris?  Thet way we cen be together for many wonderful years.

Don’t let’s ask for the moon.  We heve the Sun end the Star.

From your loving

David

10 GrovellingStreet, Appeaseminster

Leveson: the press owners’ wish list

MickyLeaks has obtained an advance copy of the  Leveson Inquiry conclusions – the ones in the press owners’ dreams …..

1.  The British press, particularly the tabloids, abide by the highest ethical and cultural standards known to man since the beginning of time.

2.  Newspapers are best placed to interpret the public interest, as they have a long history of telling the public what is in its interest.

3.  Under the noble guidance of its saintly proprietors, the press must continue to regulate itself.  (Okay, there were one or two cock-ups in the past, but hey!)

4.  The new improved PCC will be even more effective than the existing one.  Isn’t that just wonderful?

5.  If any proprietor decides to opt out of the new PCC, without permission, he should be barred from the playground at lunchtime, possibly for a whole week.

6.  All heretics advocating independent press regulation are Stalinists and should attend compulsory rehabilitation at the Toby Young Academy for Churning Out More Toby Youngs.

7.  Newspapers must be allowed to carry out and publish their fearless investigations into minor celebrities without impediment.  Consequently, they should be made exempt from laws relating to libel, bribery, racism, phone hacking and all other crimes.

8.  Apologies and corrections must be rigorously applied and given due prominenence in all newspapers which are called The Guardian.

9.  In the name of freedom, it is clear that the internet must be subjected to stringent statutory regulation, draconian censorship and daily blackouts lasting all day (and night).

10. Although not in our remit, we feel obliged to point out that the BBC has recently shown itself to be a contemptible organisation of the lowest moral standing and a colossal burden on the beleaguered taxpayer.  The licence fee arrangement must end henceforth, and the corporation disseminated in parts to Messers Murdoch, Desmond, Barclay and Barclay, any Russian oligarch and the good folk who run the Daily Mail.

11. We have received several representations about the desirability of a media ownership cap. We therefore propose to award a cap, in the colour of choice,  to each newspaper owner.

12. Much has been made of the back door influence exerted over politicians by press proprietors, executives and senior staff.  We accept this is a problem in a democracy, if you happen to live in one. Yawn.

13. This will be the last chance for the press to reform itself, until the next last chance.

“I’m a Celebrity ..” contestants swap places with MPs

The news that Nadine Dorries is to appear in Some of the celebrities who have already landed in Westminster will be given senior posts in the Coalition. The exciting Government front bench 2012 line-up so far includes:

Prime Minister – Timmy Mallett

Chancellor of the Exchequer – Katie Price

Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary – Tony Blackburn

Home Secretary – Colin and Justin

Secretary of State for Education – Sid Owen

Secretary of State for Defence – Freddie Starr

Secretary of State for Health – Gillian McKeith

Secretary of State for Works and Pensions – Tara Palmer Tomkinson

Meanwhile,  the top Tories trading caviar and claret for witchetty grubs and kangaroo bollocks are about to be dropped into the Australian jungle. Favourites who bookies expect to be picked for bush tucker trials are David Cameron, George Osborne, Michael Gove, Jeremy Hunt, Iain Duncan Smith, Grant Schapps and Eric Pickles.

Earlier today, Downing Street issued the following statement from David Cameron.

“We are very proud to be on this important challenge and relish the opportunity to let the public see more of us than they do already and to know why we need to cut all our public services

I am personally extremely sorry to be away from Britain at a time when my emails to Rebekah Brooks may be revealed. However, I am more than happy to leave the country in the capable hands of Nick Clegg and Timmy Mallett.”

It is understood that cabinet ministers have asked not to share a camp with Nadine Dorries. 

In order to make contestants feel more at home in the jungle, Ant and Dec will be replaced by Jeremy Paxman and David Dimbleby. You will, however, be able to watch Ant and Dec presenting Newsnight and Question Time.

Lines will soon be open for you to vote for the minister you want to stay in the jungle.

 

 

Freedom of speech or freedom to leech?

Press regulation:  proprietors and editors to fight back with new “Freedom to Leech” campaign.

(via MickyLeaks)

FREEDOM TO LEECH STATEMENT

• Freedom to Leech is the cornerstone of democracy, our democracy.

• The “lightest touch” statutory underpinning of leech freedom would make us considerably worse off, which would make us very angry indeed.

• Any prime minister who dares to introduce it knows he will receive rightful punishment in our newspapers, lose his seat in parliament and be forced into the abused benefits system.

• The cost of a curb on freedom to leech is unthinkable. It could mean, for instance, that we can no longer leech off the private misery of scumbag families and children unless it is in the public interest.

• Public interest indeed! Why should any independent body or representatives of any elected politicians deem what is in the public interest?  For centuries we have fought to establish our God given right to tell the public what to think and what is in their interest.

• Despite vile rumours to the contrary, it is we who are the are champions of ethics. We do not print sordid stories of sex and drugs by Z-list soap actor nobodies for the fun of it.  Partners and children have a right to learn of the errant behaviour of their loved ones on our front pages over the Frosties. We do them, and the nation, a great service and we are proud of it.

• It goes without saying that we are best placed to judge other peoples behaviour since none of us, or our employees, has ever strayed from the straight and narrow.

• The fact that more people buy our papers when there are more sordid stories is further proof of our high moral standing. The extra income that comes our way is also useful since we can never be rich enough. And this makes us happier and nicer, which is good news for everybody.

• We have also shouldered the responsibility of helping the nation, by persuading politicians what to do at all times. When their interests do not coincide with our interests, we are sadly obliged to ridicule and/or annihilate them.  It is a heavy burden, but the essence of free leechdom.

• We must fight our opponents every step of the way, notably Lord Justice Evilson, Harriet the Harridan, Nick Cleggfool and assorted anti free leech desperados. These include arsehole professors, despised intellectuals and poor, misguided liberals with their sad little Twitter campaigns.

• Chief of the infidels is the subversive Fucked Off cabal, with its debauched “spokesperson”,  Hugh Hitler Grant.  It is now painfully clear that, ever since his putsch in Four Weddings and a Funeral, he has been worming his way into a position from where he plans to take over Britain and the rest of Europe.

• Make no mistake. Failure to take on the enemies of free leechdom will result in either Hugh Grant or Al Qaeda running Britain by Easter.

• Remember the words of the great Winston Churchill: “We will fight them on the leeches”.

                     Rupert Leech

                     Dacre Leech

                     Leech Brothers

                     Dirty Leech

                     Tax Haven Leech

                     and other Leeches.

The 12 questions Louise Mensch needs to answer

Critics of Louise Mensch often say, “ignore her, don’t feed her insatiable appetite for publicity”. Understandable but not so easy because, even though she lives across the Atlantic, Mensch won’t leave Britain alone.

She writes for Murdoch’s Sun and Times, she tweets incessantly to her nearly 73,000 followers, she hovers from New York over her former constituency in Corby and comments daily on events in the UK, from Prime Minister’s Questions to the Jimmy Savile scandal.

And is she about to be a face of Britain in America, forming US opinion and perceptions of the UK? Does Fox Television beckon?

Thus, for good or bad, Louise Mensch has a sizeable and probably growing influence both in Britain and about Britain. The difference now is that it is without a shred of accountability.

It is not the desire of this blog to be uncivil to Mrs Mensch, or to comment on her private life or politics. And she has the right to work for whom she chooses. But there are serious issues around her tenure of the Media Select Committee investigating the activities of News International, and her subsequent actions. These give genuine cause for concern in a parliamentary democracy.

Would it have made a difference to the Select Committee’s report and its impact if Mensch had been less supportive of Rupert Murdoch? Undoubtedly, but maybe her contribution was entirely genuine. Even so, there are other fundamental principles at stake about conflict of interest, or the perceived conflict of interest.

How would it look, for instance, if a member of the Treasury Committee left parliament and, within months, was working for the bank he has just been investigating?

At the end of the day, this is for Parliament to address. But Louise Mensch should be open about her own situation, even if our unease is groundless. Only she can set the record straight.

Copious tweeted questions to her in the last month have been ignored and the time has come to place them in a more serious format. This is not least because, for reasons hard to fathom, no MP (as far as is known) has raised all of them publicly. Similarly, even the non Murdoch press is more entranced by the Louise soap opera than the underlying issue of democracy.

We ask those 12 (plus) questions now in the hope that Mrs Mensch, known for neither her reticence nor, to her credit, cowardice, will provide the answers that the British public has a right to know.

So, Louise, even though the chances of receiving a reply are as great as witnessing pigs in flight, we nonethless ask …

1. When did you take the decision to stand down from parliament before the next general election?
2. When did you take your decision to establish your online business, menshn?
3. Did you inform the Chairman and/or colleagues on the Media Select Committee of your intention to stand down this year? If so, when and to whom?
4. While you were still on the Select Committee, and when he was new to Twitter, Rupert Murdoch tried to send you a tweet, which just had your name and was then abandoned. Did he indeed tweet you and, if so, what did he and you say in undisclosed tweets?
5. Since you were at least considering moving to the USA while you were still sitting on the Media Select Committee, did you in any way or at any stage converse with Rupert Murdoch, or any of his staff, about working for him when you moved to the USA?
6. When did any kind of written or oral discussion take place between you (or your representative/s) and Rupert Murdoch, (or his representative/s) about the possibility of you working for News Corp – either from the USA or anywhere else?
7. Why have you constantly ignored genuine questions about this on Twitter, despite numerous requests by DemocracyFail and hundreds of others?
8. Can you see how questionable it looks if a former member of a select committee only a few months later takes a job with a company being investigated by that committee?
9. How can any reasonable person be assured that the prospect, or even aspiration, for a job with News Corp had no influence on your deliberations on that committee?
10. Do you believe current select committee rules are sufficient to ensure that MPs have no conflict of interest?
11. How do you reconcile your much declared feminism with writing for The Sun, particularly at the time of a very serious campaign to stop the Page 3 portrayal of women in a family newspaper?
12. Were you genuinely offended by Austin Mitchell’s tweet? Or did you, in fact, see a three-fold opportunity to: (a) deflect criticism about your exit from parliament (b) attack the Labour Party (despite a swift Labour Headquarters instruction to Mitchell to withdraw his remark) on the most spurious of grounds and (c) satisfy your ongoing quest for self-publicity?
    

Finally, before you brand us “lefties”, we assure you that, despite any political leanings, we would ask the same questions of a Labour, Lib Dem or any other Member of Parliament in a similar situation – particularly if related to a media empire. It may sound annoyingly high-minded, but the issues really are democracy, accountability and integrity.

 

Leveson, the powder keg

When Lord Justice Leveson reports in November, the thinking is that his recommendations are expected to include “light touch” regulation of the press, underpinned by statute. Such a prospect has already fuelled a torrent of hyperbole and scare-mongering from its opponents, led by most UK newspapers who insist they are able to regulate themselves and that any form of statute is a nail in the heart of democracy.  These powerful newspaper noises echo the vested interests of their proprietors, publishers and editors. Some have now formed an alliance, under the dubious title of the Free Speech Network – which, incidentally, has been anything but free about revealing information on its formation, funding and administration.

But this blog is not about the pros and cons of independent regulation, which we wholeheartedly support. It’s about the politics that could undermine it.

David Cameron has said he would implement Leveson’s proposals, unless they are “bonkers”. Harriet Harman and the Lib Dem’s Nick Clegg have stated they are in favour of independent regulation. So far so good, as cross party agreement is crucial because any one party standing up to the press would be singled out for persistent bashing, and we know where that leads! Together, they are a force to be reckoned with.

When it comes to legislation, the ball is of course in the Government’s court. If Cameron opts for continuing self regulation, this may fail, because the Lib Dems and Labour are likely to vote against. If he opts for independent regulation, supported by statute, the big question is: dare he risk further unpopularity with a press already punishing him for setting up Leveson in the first place?  

If his party were united on the issue, it would be an easier ride. But this is very far from the case. Leading figures, like Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Eric Pickles, have vociferously opposed independent regulation. And Johnson, already the darling of the press, is a serious leadership contender – or so we are constantly told.

All this puts Cameron in an extremely difficult position. With the best will in the world, would he risk further unpopularity and jeopardise his future as party leader? Because that is precisely what will happen if the unforgiving forces of Murdoch, Desmond, The Telegraph, Mail and array of other national, regional and local papers mete out their revenge. With so few owners of so many titles – the underlying problem that Leveson may not address – the self regulation faction have a disproportionately high level of influence on their own governance, as well as everybody else’s.

If Cameron is brave (but possibly politically suicidal) he will implement the Leveson proposals. If he is (characteristically) more interested in self preservation, he will wriggle out of them – making some attempt at saving face, but essentially kicking them into oblivion.

With the press being both self interested and extremely partisan, a fair hearing on the merits of independent regulation is impossible. The BBC (and some papers) will give a more balanced assessment, but they will be mauled by screaming tabloid headlines and sniffy broadsheet editorials. And we should remember that the Savile scandal broke at a very convenient time for some newspapers to sharpen their daggers aimed at the heart of the BBC, already to be “investigated for left wing bias”.

In summary, the PR dice are heavily loaded against a unique opportunity of achieving independent press regulation. The stakes are very high. It may seem far fetched but the end result could be both the continuing charade of self regulation and Boris Johnson in Downing Street.

Cross party unity is a must on press regulation. As is the widespread use of social media in the face of the vested interests of newspaper proprietors and publishers.

If ever there was a time when the individual needed to speak up for regulation independent of the media barons, and give Cameron the backbone, then now is that time.