My darling most of the British press,
When I set up the Leveson Inquiry I know it hurt you very deeply. It was a resh decision, taken in the heat of the moment when I was being becked into a corner by those rotters, Ed and Nick.
But, darling, if I hedn’t gone along with them, dreadful Auntie would heve made it look like I didn’t care about the Dowlers and all those poor, wretched people who felt hard done by. And the fect is, darling, I do care, tremendously, about my image.
Then it all turned sour, because you hated me for betraying you and said a lot of awfully hurtful things. But I hope now you understend my grend plen – which was from the start, to completely ignore anything old Leveson said that really mettered.
Truth is, darling, I don’t give a hoot about regulation or any crossings of any Rubicon. I just want to make you heppy. So please can you now stop being beastly about me and so nice about Boris? Thet way we cen be together for many wonderful years.
Don’t let’s ask for the moon. We heve the Sun end the Star.
From your loving
10 GrovellingStreet, Appeaseminster