Leveson: the press owners’ wish list

MickyLeaks has obtained an advance copy of the  Leveson Inquiry conclusions – the ones in the press owners’ dreams …..

1.  The British press, particularly the tabloids, abide by the highest ethical and cultural standards known to man since the beginning of time.

2.  Newspapers are best placed to interpret the public interest, as they have a long history of telling the public what is in its interest.

3.  Under the noble guidance of its saintly proprietors, the press must continue to regulate itself.  (Okay, there were one or two cock-ups in the past, but hey!)

4.  The new improved PCC will be even more effective than the existing one.  Isn’t that just wonderful?

5.  If any proprietor decides to opt out of the new PCC, without permission, he should be barred from the playground at lunchtime, possibly for a whole week.

6.  All heretics advocating independent press regulation are Stalinists and should attend compulsory rehabilitation at the Toby Young Academy for Churning Out More Toby Youngs.

7.  Newspapers must be allowed to carry out and publish their fearless investigations into minor celebrities without impediment.  Consequently, they should be made exempt from laws relating to libel, bribery, racism, phone hacking and all other crimes.

8.  Apologies and corrections must be rigorously applied and given due prominenence in all newspapers which are called The Guardian.

9.  In the name of freedom, it is clear that the internet must be subjected to stringent statutory regulation, draconian censorship and daily blackouts lasting all day (and night).

10. Although not in our remit, we feel obliged to point out that the BBC has recently shown itself to be a contemptible organisation of the lowest moral standing and a colossal burden on the beleaguered taxpayer.  The licence fee arrangement must end henceforth, and the corporation disseminated in parts to Messers Murdoch, Desmond, Barclay and Barclay, any Russian oligarch and the good folk who run the Daily Mail.

11. We have received several representations about the desirability of a media ownership cap. We therefore propose to award a cap, in the colour of choice,  to each newspaper owner.

12. Much has been made of the back door influence exerted over politicians by press proprietors, executives and senior staff.  We accept this is a problem in a democracy, if you happen to live in one. Yawn.

13. This will be the last chance for the press to reform itself, until the next last chance.